My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
wasn't that the evening we made out with the girls from the dental school, drank 3000 beers, almost had to beat up a guy at the strip club and James nailed some hot piece of tail and took her OSU windbreaker, which my dad went on to wear multiple times after finding it in the garage.
Yes. To all of that. Yes.
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
Randomize
