your parents love me but you hate me
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
well, mom whipped her new boobs out at the dining room table. So yeah you could say we had a pretty casual thanksgiving
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
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