Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Randomize
