I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
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