It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
Latenightwjoannablackberrywontletmespaceitknowsimdrunk
So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Randomize
