Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
