i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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