First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
Much like Dre, I was forgotten about.
I am actually offended he hasn't asked me to sleep with him yet to get better grades...I wanted the whole college experience.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
Randomize
