dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
