My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
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