Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
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