You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
So I had sex with him again. He's still got it. Not chlamydia, he got rid of that.
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
is it gross that my labia hangs so much that guys can't find my clit?
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
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