I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
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