dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
Quick, to the slutcave!
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Randomize
