New invention idea: vibrating tampons
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback.
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
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