i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
Randomize
