Is it wierd that I kind of wish I could hang out with Melissa Joan Hart?
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
Randomize
