I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
Randomize
