u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
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