she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
It's hard to believe so much cum came out of such a small penis.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
Randomize
