new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
spencer pratt says his family invinted chess
that kid is like the al gore of hollywood.
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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