i seriously hope you fucking die....you are the worst.
SHit! Sorry, sent to wrong person
So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
Randomize
