If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
Why did my mother make you get naked?
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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