he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper.
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
Randomize
