rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
Randomize
