the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
I too understand the importance of cheesy bread
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
There was an awkward moment where I was going for his cock and he reach out and held my hand, thinking that what I was doing
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
Randomize
