My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
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