I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
Actually we have similar relationship styles aka no relationship... it could work
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
Randomize
