this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
dont get me wrong, i like when a guy is into my boobs but when he started saying mama i want milk let me suck, i gathered my shit together and bounced.
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
50% drunk capacity currently
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
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