I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
We always end up having sex in random places after class. I need to stop letting this dude borrow my pens.
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
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