i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
come over anyways, right now, right this second
it can be a super quick quicky, then you can go back to studying
wow, that sounds SO fun, please stop enticing me with premature ejaculation
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Randomize
