I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
I need a beard to bite.
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
Randomize