thus making me awesome and them whores
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize
