You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
How far into the semester do we have to be before it's ok to get drunk in between classes again?
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
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