I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
Becky drew a cock on my face and is making me sit on the step.
what did you do that she drew a cock on your face and supplemental questions why did you let her?
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
Yeah like at least with a penis what you see is what you get with a vagina there can always be a surprise inside
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
Randomize
