Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
youre talking to a girl on facebook chat right now and im sitting behind her in class lol. creepy?
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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