Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
she was sitting with her tits completely out.. on the kitchen floor..eating pickles by the handful... rapping mac dre... and then lit up a cig and continued...that drunk
Randomize
