Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
Randomize
