Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
Ladies don't puke and tell
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
