So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
Randomize
