the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
I did the walk of shame to another booty call
I don't think that should turn me on, but it does
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
Randomize