I must be too annoying 4 u.
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
True college students do jello shots in the library
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
