I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
Randomize
