On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
Disadvantage of being gay..... my gag reflexes makes trying to make myself throw up extremely difficult.
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
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