I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
Randomize