I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
Why is your signature on my underwear?
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
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