Pregnant stripper...not hot.
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
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