You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
