my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
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