apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
My feet surprised me
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
Randomize
