I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
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