She's hot and she went to Notre Dame. I want to fuck the Catholic right out of her
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
