There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Randomize
