My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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