and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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