Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
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