where are you?
in the room with the baby pig
k im coming soon
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
Randomize