you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
Randomize
