I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
Randomize