im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
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