I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
She has an album entitled "my photography", which consists of about 80 different pictures of a tractor that she took on her cell phone. I'm all for freedom of expression, but come on.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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