he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
Randomize
