I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Randomize
