Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
Just out of curiosity. Did you wait until my fb picture was well liked by others before liking it so people won't know we're fucking?
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Randomize
